In keeping with the movie meme, here are the top ten I'd never inflict on anyone. . .
Big Trouble in Little China - This is my all time favorite camp film - it's kinda like my Evil Dead/Army of Darkness flick. God is going to make me account for this, not because it's so bad, but because the only reason I don't currently own a copy is because my version of it died in 1995 from over use. Kurt Russell is hilarious, though sadly this is one of Kim Catrail's best movies.
The Lawnmower Man - I was a Pierce Brosnan fan back in the day of Remington Steele and this was all we had back then if we wanted to see him on the big screen. So lets take a mildly retarded man who mows lawns for a living and see what happens when we increase his IQ. He gets mean and nasty and bent on destroying the world! Duh!
The Prince of Darkness - Stevenson Parker (or was that Parker Stevenson? No, wait, he's the Hardy Boy ) - the blonde guy from Simon & Simon, whatever his name was - plays a grad student involved with a group of students and faculty trying to contact Satan or keep him from coming, or the Aramgeddon - something like that. The girl saves the day by jumping into a mirror. I saw this movie twice. Best scene: Alice Cooper as a zombie.
The Ninth Gate - I commented on this film recently and how much it sucked. Roman Polansky really should have made a pact with Satan before embarking on this film. Johnny Depp obviously lost a bet with Satan or God, or someone high up. That's the only reason he followed this film up with The Astronaut's Wife. . . Though God may let this one slide as I was watching it for a Johnny Depp Film Festival and not for my personal enjoyment.
Being Human - Robin Williams in a role that will make you wonder when the movie is going to start. No really, when's it gonna start? I swear to god they cut out anything that looked like it might vaguely get interesting. It's like they only left in the parts where the crew moved the eqipment from scene to scene. I saw this at the buck theater, but God may call me on the fact that Schindler's List was playing at the same time and I opted for funny-man Robin Williams. Joke was on me, huh?
Sleepers - Lived up to it's name. I saw this while visiting New Orleans before I moved down there. I think all four of us just sat there in shock of how bad this movie was. But really, how can you lose with Brad Pitt and Kevin Bacon in the same film!
The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996 Brando version) - The man who did A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront and Apocalypse Now surely could not have made this film. I only paid a buck to see this in the theater, but I could have used that to light a candle in church or bought a condom for a prostitute. Brando must have been well compansated to take this one, possibly through something illegal and otherwise impossible to buy with unlaundered money.
Red Dawn - Oh, my mispent youth. I saw this because it was the first PG-13 movie. I was like - eleven or twelve - at the time. We were all victims of the Reagan era and believed the Russians would overrun us. But one day, high school students would rise and kickass! Woohoo! Go Wolverines!
Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones - God will forgive everyone for seeing Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Midiclorians because the first SW trilogy was good and captured the imagination of the world. But after the horrid acting and lack of anything resembling a script and *shudder* Jar Jar Binks, God is holding us accountable for Episode 2: Attack of the Ego, as George Lucas isn't operating in a vaccuum folks. Well. . . at least not finacially. He's churning it out the shit because we're willing to pay. Take your grandma out to Ponderosa Steak House before going to see the next installment. Isn't it time you do something nice for her?
Johnny Mnemonic - Ironically, I don't remember much about this film other than it had Keanu Reeves and he still couldn't act.
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